In this sermon, Ps Kong Hee explains what makes a relationship work and what should we look for when choosing a life partner. The key to choosing the right partner is to look for a person with good character, not simply good personality. A
relationship may be likened to a cake, where
personality is the icing, and the
character, the substance.
When you are deciding whether a person is right for you, instead of asking: "Does my partner love me?" You need to ask, "How
capable is my partner of loving?". If he has anger problem, hasn't "grown up", can't be firm with overbearing parents or hasn't recovered from previous relationships, he is incapable of loving you. Period.
Quality #1: Commitment to personal growth.This comes first because it is the most important trait. If you can find someone who is committed to his personal growth, you are already halfway to a great, happy marriage. Commitment to personal growth means:
a) your partner is committed to God's Word and a godly lifestyle. You want a partner who is on-fire and sold-out to Jesus, growing steadily in spiritual maturity on a daily basis. The Word of God is the answer for all life's problems. You don't want to be unequally yoked with a potential spouse who doesn't share your dedication to the Lord.
b) your partner is willing to receive help and guidance. Help in the form of books, tapes, sermons, and if necessary, counseling. Proverbs 12:1 says that you must want to be taught in order to learn. Because by the time you face a crisis in your marriage, and you realize that your mate is too lazy to learn how make it works, it is often too late.
c) your partner is conscious of his blind spots and emotional handicaps. It is dangerous to become involved with someone who is oblivious to his own weaknesses. James 5:16 says that to see healing of painful wounds, we need to admit our faults to one another and pray for each other.
d) your partner is setting personal goals for real change. In other words, you can see, specific, positive changes in him over time. It is important to find someone who is not only interested in growing, but is doing something about it.
Quality #2: Emotional openness.Emotional openness is a vital trait because it gives you access to his soul. If your partner can't identify and share his feelings with you, he's not ready to be in an intimate relationship. Staying in a relationship with a person who cannot share feelings is a form of self-punishment. You need to believe God for someone who can show you love and appreciation on a consistent basis.
Qaulity #3: Integrity.
This means consistency of character. Your actions match your words. Your choices match your vision. Your behaviours match your beliefs.
a) Honest with himself: he is not self-deceptive.
b) Honest with others: he is not cheating, evading taxes, hiring illegal workers, stealing office supplies, run across the road when the light is red, litter when no one is watching, etc.
c) Honest with you: he is not playing games with your feelings.
Quality #4: Maturity and responsibilty. There are people who just aren't ready to be in a committed relationship. They may be very loveable, but if they haven't reach a certain level of maturity, you will feel you have adopted a child rather than a lover.
a) He can take care of himself. If your partner has grown up sufficiently, he should be able to earn enough money to support himself, keep his bedroom relatively clean, know basic personal hygiene, etc. Our outward life is a reflection of our inward life.
b) He is responsible. Maturity doesn't come with age; it comes with the acceptance of responsibility. Your word is your bond-paying bills on time, keeping promises, punctuality, etc.
c) He is respectful. Men don't behave badly in public places. See how respectful is he of your boundaries, time, possessions, and other people's feelings.
Quality #5: Healthy self-esteem. Your partner can only love you as much as he loves himself. The healthier your partner's self-esteem, the stronger your relationship will be.
a) He knows who he is in Christ.b) He doesn't abuse himself, but takes good care of himself. You can tell how someone feels about himself by observing how he treats himself, the way he takes care of his body, his clothes, his car, and his possessions. If he mistreats himself, he won't mind mistreating you either.
c) He doesn't allow others to abuse him. Christian meekness doesn't mean you purposely let others take advantage of you continually.
d) He takes action in his life. A person with low self-esteem is usually a procrastinator, because he is scared of failing and feeling worse about himself.
Quality #6: Positive attitude toward life. Positive people create positive relationships. That is why falling in love with a negative person is as much fun as listening to someone slowly scratching his fingernails across a blackboard! Love is positive. It shrinks in negative atmosphere. When you are with positive person, relationship is much easier, more love, less blame, and more cooperation.
Quality #7: Personal chemistry. How does one define personal chemistry? It is very hard. You either feel it or you don't. But one thing is certain: personal chemistry is needed in order to distinguish your relationship from a friendship. A word of caution: personal chemistry doesn't have to be instant. Gradual attraction is usually more genuine because you are not just focusing on the physical looks, but the whole person. You can't have a healthy, lasting, romantic relationship with someone you aren't attracted to. In this case, you are setting yourself to cheat on that person eventually.
You
can't create personal chemistry. The lost spark can be regained by the grace of God, through counseling or books. However, if you
never felt personal chemistry to your partner even after reasonable period of seeing each other,
don't proceed! Personal chemistry is vital, but must be balanced by the first six qualities earlier.
